Promoting Children’s Well-Being: Strategies to Help Them Thrive

By Andrea Alexander Gorgazzi, Teacher

In late February, nearly 80 parents and caregivers gathered for a stimulating evening of learning at Bing Nursery School. Denise Pope, Ph.D., presented a seminar, “The Well-Balanced Child,” as part of Bing’s Kordestani Family Program for Parents and Educators. Dr. Pope, a senior lecturer at the Stanford Graduate School of Education specializing in curriculum studies, student engagement, and school reform, is the co-founder of Challenge Success, a research and intervention initiative that aims to increase student well-being and reduce unhealthy pressures that students often feel in school. She is also the author of two books and co-host of Stanford’s School’s In podcast.

Pope began by identifying two goals for the evening: to have parents/caregivers reflect on child-rearing strategies that are already working well for them, and to offer advice on how best to handle stressful parenting moments. A parent herself, Pope acknowledged the unique challenges parents face post-pandemic as a result of habits born out of necessity or unusual circumstances. Perhaps children spent more time in front of screens while parents worked from home, or children had fewer opportunities to socialize with their peers or extended family, not to mention the fear and confusion over mask-wearing and vaccines. But success for both parent and child is achievable with the right tools. After considering what “success” means in this context, Pope moved on to discuss topics including parenting styles, autonomy, sleep, play, and technology and how setting healthy boundaries helps to raise confident, successful children.

Success

“What do you believe defines success?” Pope asked attendees. “What qualities do you want your child to have?” Parents then engaged in a “turn and talk,” sharing thoughts with those around them and finding they shared similar perspectives. Common characteristics of success included: maintaining healthy relationships, feeling content or happy, being able to persevere through obstacles, being physically and emotionally healthy, and having moral integrity. Interestingly, while parents’ aspirations tended to focus on well-being, Pope pointed out that when she asks middle and high school students to define success, they typically focus on academic and extracurricular performance—emphasizing extrinsic as opposed to intrinsic markers of success.

Parenting Styles

The group then considered various types of parenting and examined which tend to develop healthy parent-child relationships. In the 1960s, psychologist Dr. Diana Baumrind identified three styles of parenting—authoritarian, authoritative, and permissive—while a fourth type, neglectful, was added later by Stanford researchers Eleanor Maccoby and John Martin. Pope focused on the authoritative style, characterized by a high degree of responsiveness and high expectations (an authoritarian style, by contrast, is low in responsiveness and high in expectations). She described authoritative parents as being warm and responsive to their child’s needs, while continuing to hold high expectations, to set and uphold boundaries, and to maintain “natural consequences” for the child’s actions. An example of a natural consequence might be, “The last time Mommy took you to the store, you pulled things off the shelves. This time, Mommy won’t be taking you to the store.” To aim for authoritative parenting, Pope encouraged parents to set clear expectations and fair rules. She explained the importance of natural consequences and not complying with a child’s wishes simply to avoid friction and to make a situation easier.

Autonomy

Next, Pope discussed autonomy and how it relates to the child. Examples of how children experience autonomy include choosing their clothes, picking which activities they participate in, and interacting with peers. Pope explained the benefits of increased autonomy, which include self-regulation, creativity, decreased anxiety, intrinsic motivation (motivated by one’s own interests versus external rewards), and persistence. For the group’s second “turn and talk” session, they were asked, “How is your child developing autonomy and what are the benefits you see?” Their responses included: dressing themselves, toileting alone, and preparing/helping with meals. The benefits were self-evident. By giving choices, authentic tasks, and resisting the urge to step in, parents can boost their children’s sense of autonomy.

Sleep

The topic of sleep was a familiar one to parents, as they all had experience putting children to bed (or children refusing to go to sleep). After joking that it can be just as hard for adults to fall asleep and stay in bed, Pope turned to the science of sleep, which has developed rapidly in recent years. Sleep is vital to our physical and mental health as that is the time when many critical processes take place, such as hormone secretion and processing any learning that occurred earlier that day. The impact of insufficient sleep can include decreased energy, increased irritability, and, in teens, heightened anxiety. To set the mood for sleep, Pope suggests maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, with tips including:

• Establish a routine. 
• End screen time 30–60 minutes before bedtime.
• Wind down with soothing activities: take a bath, read a book, listen to soft music.

Play

Next, the group turned to the importance of play. But what exactly is play? Pope listed the following characteristics:

• It is self-chosen. 
• It is self-directed. 
• It is intrinsically motivated. 
• It includes the freedom to stop at any time.
• It includes imaginative elements.

The importance of play, according to Pope, is that it can serve as a vehicle for learning. To illustrate, she referred to fort-building: “Imagine your child starts pulling off the sofa cushions. Now imagine they’re adding some blankets, and stuffed animals are strewn about.” While Pope acknowledged that the mess might create stress for some parents, when children build forts, they are actually doing math and science. “They’re figuring out ‘If I put this teddy bear on this blanket, it’s heavy and the blanket will stay. But if I take the bear off, now the blanket falls down.’” Think of it as child engineering at work.

Children at Bing have ample opportunities to play every day. Through play, they give themselves over to their imaginations—with time to explore, experiment, and problem-solve. These long blocks of playtime also offer opportunities for the children to take turns, practice conflict resolution, learn emotional regulation, and develop language skills. Pope emphasized that children who attend play-based schools perform better long term both socially and academically. She stressed that play will look different for each of us, but we all need opportunities to engage with others in fun and creative ways to “exercise” our brains and bodies and feel like we are part of a community.

However, extracurricular activities should not be confused with play. Unlike unstructured playtime, these are structured activities that might include music and dance lessons, sports, and art classes. Children do not need to be enrolled in extracurriculars at this young age, according to Pope, but if they are, parents should find activities that offer both structured and unstructured time. Examples include music classes that incorporate some free music play or ballet classes that make room for free expression. There is no need to specialize in an activity at this age. For most children, starting an activity at a young age does not develop into exceptional skills later, and some research suggests that specializing from a young age can lead to burnout or injury from overexertion.

Pope stressed that aftercare in elementary school is a perfectly acceptable alternative to enrolling in extracurricular activities. But if parents want to enroll their child in extracurriculars, one is plenty. She suggests the following:

• Look for activities that are developmentally appropriate for the age group.
• Avoid placing value on competition or the need to win.
• Avoid specializing too young and overscheduling.
• Make sure to allow for downtime.

Technology

The last topic of discussion was the role of media and electronic devices (anything with a screen and an on/off button). Pope began by acknowledging that technology is advancing faster than ever and what constitutes appropriate screen time is always changing. Still, it is important that parents set and enforce limitations. Parents in attendance shared that their children often use devices during travel, at restaurants, and while waiting in line. Pope agreed that in some social situations, it is perfectly fine for the child to have some screen time (on an airplane, for example, or when they need to be quietly occupied for an extended period of time). For all other aspects of family life, parents should feel empowered to set rules around media, be consistent, and model responsible device usage.

It is important to note that using devices does not support developing intrinsic motivation to complete a task. Consequently, Pope cautioned parents against offering media use as a reward for finishing a task (“If you help clear the dishes, then you can use the tablet”). She also mentioned studies indicating that overusing media can inhibit sleep, free play, physical activity, social and emotional development, language development, and family bonding. Parents should make an effort to model attitudes and behaviors toward media they would like to see in their children.

Tips for media use within the family:

• Always preview or co-view the content.
• FaceTime or video chats (like talking to relatives) should be regarded differently from other forms of media use because they promote connection.
• Be wary of media labeled “educational” and do your own research.
• Media exposure should end 30–60 minutes before bedtime.
• Avoid digital media or screen time in the bedroom at night or during family meals at home.
• Make space for non-media play.
• Use timers to set limits for screen time.
• Model appropriate behavior.

The evening was a wonderful venue for Pope to share strategies on how to promote children’s well-being while striving for an authoritative parenting style. Parents can show warmth and responsiveness and give choices to their children while at the same time adhering to appropriate expectations and demands. To further these objectives, parents should encourage children to cultivate autonomy at home and engage in activities such as choosing their clothes, helping with household tasks, and self-grooming. Sleep should be treated as an essential component of a child’s health; see to it that they receive the recommended amount. Make time and space for free play and be a play advocate. Extracurricular activities are not necessary but should be chosen carefully and based on the child’s interests. Limit the use of electronic devices with the help of timers, schedules, and clear expectations. These strategies promote autonomy, self-regulation, and an enhanced sense of belonging that help children thrive as they develop into adulthood.