Conversation Matters: How Talk and Response with 
Young Children Opens the Door to Meaningful Communication

By Jennifer Winters, Executive Director, and Beth Wise, Program Director

Walking through Bing classrooms each day provides ample opportunities to stop and listen to how teachers respond to young children. The quality and timing of their responses—and the focused attention they display—helps to build deep and meaningful relationships with children. This in turn contributes to the children’s sense of self, allows them to express their thoughts and ideas more clearly, and shows how much they are valued for who they are. In The Art of Talking with Children, author Rebecca Rolland explains, “It’s not about knowing exactly what to say. It has far more to do with an attitude of curious waiting: using talk to open a window and letting your child take it from there.”

One day this past year a child was drawing at the language table and said, “I love my mommy.” I (Beth) asked, “What kinds of things does your mommy do that make you feel that way?” She quickly replied, “My mommy lets me do things we don’t have time for.” I said, “I can imagine having time to do things with your mommy is fun. I remember feeling that way when I was younger.” The child then asked, “What do you remember doing with your mommy?” A very natural conversation began that was a way of gaining trust and establishing a relationship.

These conversational “serve and return” moments help build brain architecture that supports the development of communication and deep social-emotional learning while enhancing cognitive skills. “Serve and return” is a term coined by Harvard researchers to describe back-and-forth interactions between adults and children. One person “serves” by offering up a sound, glance, word, gesture, or question, and the other “returns” in a timely and responsive way.

Working with Stanford students enrolled in Psychology 147: Development in Early Childhood each quarter, we address engaging in authentic dialogue with young children as one of our first topics. Rather than asking questions they know the answer to, students are encouraged to listen, notice, and practice reflective listening with the children. Each week in our seminar, we discuss their experiences in the classroom and how the lectures and readings reinforce what they are learning. Over the course of the quarter, students become increasingly aware of the children’s capabilities, their ability to have deep conversations, and how Bing teachers guide and support their social and emotional learning. One student commented, “When I started listening and interacting with children, I began building meaningful relationships. They are nuanced and impressive developing humans and deserve the same level of respect and acknowledgment that grown adults receive. When you observe young children, you realize they are eager and capable of deep learning. Acknowledging this changes the teacher’s role from a traditional educator to a facilitator and supporter of early childhood development, exploration, and education.”

Part of our role at Bing is to educate Stanford students who are preparing for careers in a variety of fields, such as medicine, education, law, public policy, psychology, technology, and product design, to name a few. Some express an interest in becoming parents themselves someday. The communication skills developed in the classroom not only benefit the children, but also guide the rest of us to be better communicators. A graduate student ended the course by writing, “The transition from dramatic play with vintage phones to creating a pretend fire and becoming firefighters showcases how children actively engage in dramatic play. The comments and conversation facilitated by teacher Rinna [Sanchez-Baluyut] stimulated engagement, demonstrating how children become actively involved in the learning process through their curiosity and exploration.” Rinna modeled and practiced “serve and return” as a way to build community with a group of 2-year-olds and facilitate shared understanding. It’s a device to bring everyone into the conversation, lifting the voices of quieter children, including those just beginning to build language skills, and listening to children who have many thoughts and ideas at their command.

“How should we approach talking to children?” is an important question posed in Erika Christakis’s The Importance of Being Little. “The science to date shows that children’s early development unfolds in a bootstrapping sequence,” she writes. “Genes provide the blueprint of early development, but early experiences and relationships shape the foundation of the brain and mind. Later healthy growth rests on that foundation being solid.” Critical to forming that foundation, Christakis points out, is an early environment that includes some deceptively simple qualities: warm and close relationships with adults, responsive conversations, and natural habitats.

Bing teacher Betsy Koning, who is particularly masterful at conversing with young children, talked about the meaningful conversation she had with an older child preparing to move on to kindergarten. By the end of the year, the child was expanding his discussions with Betsy to include questions about the school’s operations and who worked in the school’s office. Later, his budding interest in the school’s operations and design came into play as he created a series of recycling, composting, and landfill containers from the large hollow blocks on the patio. Betsy’s ability to listen and engage mindfully conveyed her interest in his thoughts and ideas and modeled a deep sense of respect and belief in who the student is at his core.

When we interviewed Betsy, she explained that she seeks to convey a genuine interest in what the children are saying. This might involve repeating or paraphrasing what she heard and asking a follow-up question, such as, “So, do you mean…?” or “Are you saying…?” “Having this shared narrative that you can refer to opens the door for expansion on the topic at a later time,” Betsy said. “The child may come to school and ask, ‘Remember when we were building the recycling center?’ and I would respond, ‘Oh, yes, you mean the time on the patio with the hollow blocks?’”

Betsy also notices and remembers what children discussed previously and brings up those details in conversation. “I remember how much you love bunnies. I added one to our song today,” she might say. According to Betsy, “It’s like having landmarks in your relationships that act as a point of reference for each child.” This allows her to guide the child in what they might do differently the next time: “Remember the first time we did that, and all of the pots of water spilled? Maybe we should try a different way this time.” Betsy continued: “Making a connection, having a shared history, shared information, and not having to explain everything from the beginning shows children that you consider what they are saying important. Valuing what children say supports social-emotional learning and establishes trust so that when they are having a hard time, they are confident that you will be open, be a good listener, and make sure that you really understand what they are saying.”

As parents, educators, and advocates for young children, we can practice listening and responding to our children in a way that opens a dialogue and creates a relationship of genuine curiosity. A study from 2004 found that “children who have healthy relationships with their primary caregivers are more likely to develop insights into other people’s feelings, needs, and thoughts, which form a foundation for cooperative interactions with others and an emerging conscience.” At Bing, the how and why of talking to children individually or in groups is something we take seriously. Young children deserve our utmost respect and understanding to help them develop into capable individuals.

Noticing that a child’s painting had transformed from the depiction of a rainbow and a garden to a canvas covered entirely in gray paint, a teacher remarked, “I noticed that your painting has changed since you first started.” “Oh yes,” the student said, “the storm is coming, and fog is covering the whole garden.” We can learn so much by paying attention; through conversations, we glimpse what children are thinking, imagining, wondering, and worrying about. That is the gift we find in our work each and every day.