Nurturing Children’s Social and Emotional Development: Strategies for Parents

By Colin Johnson, Head Teacher

Emotion affects all of our actions and learning—as children and adults. “Feelings First” was the overarching theme of a parent seminar this year, Nurturing Children’s Social and Emotional Development: Strategies for Parents. On March 5, Holly Pedersen, PhD and MFT, a family therapist in Redwood City, addressed Bing parents with a talk that gave a comprehensive view of how to support children’s development—from age-appropriate expectations, to neuroscientific evidence, to strategies to apply at home. More than 80 parents attended.

As noted in the book, Raising Resilient Children by Robert Brooks, PhD, and Sam Goldstein, PhD, one central goal of a child’s development is building resilience—the ability to cope with everyday challenges, deal effectively with stress and pressure, and bounce back from disappointments or adversity. For Pedersen, these skills rely on a combination of emotional competence and social competence.

How can parents support emotional and social competence? Pedersen related a model of resilience based on a mix of three core self-affirming beliefs: I have,
I am, I can.
• I have connections and people I can trust.
• I am important, worthy and capable of contributing.
• I can set and accomplish goals, deal with hardship, express feelings and communicate. I can gain a sense of control.

She suggested that parents can help children develop emotional and social competence by fostering these beliefs.

I have
Routines and rituals help children develop a sense of connection, and parents can help with this. Children gain power through freedom of choice, but they also thrive when they know what to expect. A simple routine can be like a skeleton around which a child’s complex play and learning grow.

When conflicts arise, parents can enhance children’s emotional competence by staying close and connected through (and perhaps because of) challenging behavior and emotions. Children can become dysregulated—a state of being unable to control or manage emotions—quite easily while their emotional competence begins to develop. The state of being dysregulated can lead to challenging behaviors, which can be uncomfortable for children and affect their ability to build connections with others or engage with experiences for learning and play.

How do parents stay connected in these moments? Pedersen answered: “Deal with the feelings first,” then do problem-solving. In a nod to the book The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel, MD, and Tina Bryson, PhD, Pedersen made a distinction between the “right brain” and the “left brain.” Research has shown that, generally speaking, areas in the right hemisphere of the brain, centered around the limbic system, are highly active when people feel strong emotions. On the other hand, the left hemisphere, particularly areas in the frontal lobe dedicated to language and planning, is active while working on solving a problem. The real solution, then, is to start with emotional recognition and management and then move on to taking action.

In response to a parent’s comment about talking to children about their work, Pedersen concurred that questions will sometimes shut children down, and describing the work is somehow so much more inviting. For example, instead of asking children “What did you make?” describing their work often helps with conversation. Pedersen says this is because children naturally feel the desire to connect, emotionally and socially, to their parents (and later, their peers). As adults, we often feel the need to treat each
moment as a “teachable moment,” but Pedersen relayed: “Top-down teaching does not connect. ... Not every moment needs to be a teachable moment. You need more connection moments.”

I am
Parents can also help children develop a stronger sense of self—the ability to recognize their own feelings and, most important, accept how they feel and know that they can do something about it. “If you can name it, you can tame it,” said Pedersen, describing a strategy used by Daniel Siegel. She also encouraged parents to model expressing feelings with their children. For example, “I feel kind of frustrated today because I didn’t get my work done.” (See sidebar on page 13 for strategies.)

Parents also shared their own strategies to calm down, such as drinking a cup of water, watching a snow globe and telling really bad jokes. These exchanges were, perhaps, the most powerful moments of the evening. All parents share the responsibility of helping their children through trying times, and all parents (and teachers!) struggle with strategies that don’t always work. As Pedersen commiserated, “You can’t use the same strategy every time.”

A full toolbox of calming, distracting and soothing actions prepares adults to support their ever-changing children. Parents are often times improvisation artists—supportive, present and emotionally connected. With that in mind, Pedersen asserted her own opinion into the discussion, focusing on a single, powerful word: Silly. “I think we are not silly enough with kids. It can be magical sometimes.”

I can
These are the social interaction skills, the friendship skills, the communication skills. Using them well takes lots of practice and solid groundwork (see above). Pedersen suggested calling out the behaviors parents want to see more of. She also encouraged parents to use “kind” instead of “nice,” (i.e., “It was kind of you to help Taylor”) as it conveys care and empathy. Many of Pedersen’s other suggestions relate to helping children stay connected to other people in times of distress or conflict. In fact, according to our expert, “Conflict is good.” It is good because it shows that we feel empowered enough to share what we need, want, and feel: The ability to face conflict both builds and demonstrates emotional and social competence. It is the pathway to resilience. Here’s what to do to support these essential skills:

• Give children the opportunity to resolve conflicts with you: “You’re so angry that you can’t have that toy. Are you ready to talk about this?”
• Narrate what’s going on inside your head with conflict resolution: “Let me think about what we can do about this.”

Pedersen also noted that adults often assume that children know how to join a group, but this is not the case. Joining play, a skill children work on in preschool, takes nuanced strategies. It involves two sides of the same coin, said Pedersen: “how to effectively be included and include.” Much like parents developing many strategies for supporting children, children develop many ways to support themselves in social contexts. Such foundational tools, which allow initial entry into a group or, in many cases, joining in play with just one other child, form the basis of meaningful friendships through years of development. Luckily, Pedersen shared still more concrete suggestions for supporting development of social interaction skills. [See sidebar.]

During discussion at the end of the talk, parents seemed to be both relieved and curious: relieved that challenging emotions and behaviors are valid and normal, and curious, still, about just what to do with them. One parent’s comment summed up the evening’s theme: “to shy away from goal-directedness we see in these areas … our role is to be witness, to be present.” In that regard, we can step back from being the role models, and follow our children’s example: focus on the connections happening now, and trust that nurturing them will build a stronger foundation for the future.

Connection strategies:
• Get down at the child’s level or even lower: It calms the threat response in the emotional part of the brain.
• Model self-soothing reactions and verbalize the process, e.g., “I’m really frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths.”
• Model that it’s okay to feel mad or sad or other emotions, and accept those feelings.
• Model persistence by trying again after mistakes.
• Model connection by staying close even when you are mad.
• Give descriptive praise with an excited tone of voice, e.g., “You put the ball in the hoop. You made it!”
• Reflect, e.g., “You look happy playing with the ball.”
• Describe, e.g., “You’re putting the ball very carefully into the net.”
• Show enthusiasm.
 

Strategies for identifying and working through feelings:
• Give your child words to describe his or her feelings.
• Describe your own feelings (even if they are distressing feelings).
• Use charts, toys or drawings to show feelings.
• Develop calm-down strategies.
• Take deep breaths and call this “belly breathing” or “filling your belly up like a balloon.”
• Create a calm-down box or corner to hold objects that help the child calm down (silly putty, a comfort object, sensory toys, a book, pillows).
• Do something silly or playful. This can redirect the child’s attention so he or she will be emotionally ready for a conversation.
 

Tips for helping children learn to play together:
• Observe who’s playing well together, who could use another member, who’s laughing and having fun.
• Blend in with ongoing play.
• Comment on ongoing play.
• Ask a question that can’t be answered by “no,” e.g., “What can I be?”
• Offer something to add to the play.
• Give a compliment to a player.